Dear Self

Dear Self,

Today we were sad.  Sad for what we had once.  What we had at 16.  A family still together.  A bright and hopeful future.  An intense love with a boy.  A sense of self, truth, honesty, hope.  A deeply rooted sense of family and right and wrong with a big thick line down the middle.  A good & bad.  There was no middle ground.

All I have tonight is middle ground and shades of grey.  I can hardly see either side I feel so stuck right smack dab in the center.  I miss the simplicity that life was.  The clean cut lines.  The unknown.

And what was the unknown?  A broken family.  A future unknown, feared and worrisome.  A sense of solitude in a crowded room.  There is always someone there, someone to listen, willing to talk over my thoughts... but no voice seems to crowd them out the way that he did once.  A heart that breaks just a bit when I hear his name.  When I hear them say, 'it's meant to be,' 'you'll be together again...' 

Just how much can a heart take?  It's been days, weeks, months, years.

give it time.  hope will float.

K.