Dear Family Man,
I understand your need to put it in writing to make sure that it's clear and you say everything that you want to say. As far as breaking up goes, I don't see what else can be done to fix this, and before you misconstrue what I'm saying, let me explain.
When Best Friend came over to help me pack and move some stuff out of my apartment, I thought everything was fine. You were rude to her, but I was aware that you aren't completely comfortable around my friends, much less, girls in general. I just kind of figured that you were in a bad mood, maybe had a long day, I didn't think much about it. The next night, I came to your house and you made dinner, and I thought everything was fine and then at the end of dinner, I felt like you came out of nowhere being upset with my father. I'm sure my not saying anything at all didn't help. You mistook my silence as quiet rage, I'm sure, and you then told me that you just wouldn't tell me how you felt anymore. I was completely taken aback and had no words that came to mind that could tell you that. A couple of days later, I did manage to explain to you that I have worked really hard to mend the relationship with my father in the last 2 years and I took a whole lot of offense at some of the things you said. I also know now, that while some of the reason you were upset was because of a miscommunication with me, but it still hurts. Not so much the words, but because they came from you. I really felt that if you had any idea of how important my family was that you would understand that while yes, I have complained about my parents to you, I expected that it was in a confidence that you would understand that I am just upset and leave it at that.
At the lake, I told you what was bothering me, and I feel like you listened and had an explanation or an answer for everything I said, which made me feel like I was being irrational. I told you that I didn't feel like myself and was not sure about a lot of things and you told me that I wasn't as I used to be, and you just wanted the old Me back. You jumped down my throat again when I tried to relax and just be myself. You told me that you didn't think I was taking any of your feelings into consideration, and me joking around wasn't helping to convey that to you. I know this is going to sound bitchy, but I don't mean it that way, it's just that I don't know how I am expected to relax and be myself when you tell me that it's too soon to joke with you.
As for you being upset because I was kidding around about bossing you around, I don't know what made you think that it could ever happen, because it never has, because you won't let it. I'm not complaining about it either, but I am not, and have never been bossy with you, hence the reason that it seemed funny.
As for trying new things and doing something different. Yes, you did make an effort to make sure we did different things, and I appreciate that. When I say thank you, or that will be fun, I expect someone to understand that I appreciate what they are doing. To then have an argument that I am not grateful for you listening and actually doing something immediately to fix whatever complaint I had, I felt like you were just throwing it back in my face that I had a problem, you fixed it and I am the one with a problem because I don't appreciate it.
I don't know when you started thinking that I didn't appreciate you and everything that you did for me. I remember in the beginning of our relationship that your main complaint was that you did so much for your other, recent-girlfriends but they never appreciated it. I remember telling you that I can take care of myself; if you would like to do things for me, if it makes you feel good to help me out, then by all means, go ahead. But don't do something that I can do myself, or that I've done for you and expect a parade about it. It doesn't work like that with me, and I don't think that I've ever eluded that it might be that way. I just need you to understand that in order for me to be myself, I have to be able to make decisions about things of such importance to me without a reaction like I got from you.
Every time I have ever not wanted to participate in something, you immediately assume it's because I don't love you or don't care about you. The reason for my change of heart had nothing to do with you, but more to do with how I feel about myself. I know that we have completely different ideas on this subject because we've talked about it, rather, you have let me know how you feel about it.
I want you to know that you pushed me into needing some time away from you. It has only been a short time since we've started this conversation and then all of a sudden out of nowhere, you want answers to all of the questions you have, when I don't even have answers to the questions I have for myself.
I feel like I made a good decision that night in telling you that I needed time to think about what I want, because I don't want to keep hurting you or myself. I called you after a day to tell you that I wasn't going to your family function. I didn't call you to break up with you but again, felt like you were pushing for an answer, so I did what I thought was best and told you that I needed to figure myself out and I wasn't going to keep you waiting in the wings while I do that.
I really don't think that I could have handled it any better than I did. I have never, and never want to be referred to, or compared to one of your other recent-girlfriends about how you didn't know which way was up when the relationship was over. You need to understand that I did the best that I could with a tough situation, and given the chance again, maybe I would've written a letter instead to make you understand, but I really don't think that would have worked either.
If you would prefer this relationship to end because I no longer care about you, am interested in someone else, or already cheated on you, I'm sorry. I have too much pride and self-respect to do that to someone, and I don't think I can stop caring about you just like that. I have some things to figure out and I feel that it's best if I do that on my own, so that I don't rush myself into anything. I don't have hope that I will go back to the person that I was, as I do consider myself to be a better person now than I was years ago because I know a little more about the world and about myself.
I'm sorry that you don't see the change in me as a good thing, but I understand. As for this relationship, I don't expect, or would I ask you to wait around to see how I turn out in this. I know that with you, it's either all or none, and I cannot do all. I am sorry that I will be losing you from my life, as I know that you think it is inappropriate to stay friends with recent-girlfriends. I agree partially, I don't feel that I could be a good friend to you right now, but I'm sure that with some time, I could be. Please just remember that if you ever need a friend, I am here and will always be here for you.
-K.
I understand your need to put it in writing to make sure that it's clear and you say everything that you want to say. As far as breaking up goes, I don't see what else can be done to fix this, and before you misconstrue what I'm saying, let me explain.
When Best Friend came over to help me pack and move some stuff out of my apartment, I thought everything was fine. You were rude to her, but I was aware that you aren't completely comfortable around my friends, much less, girls in general. I just kind of figured that you were in a bad mood, maybe had a long day, I didn't think much about it. The next night, I came to your house and you made dinner, and I thought everything was fine and then at the end of dinner, I felt like you came out of nowhere being upset with my father. I'm sure my not saying anything at all didn't help. You mistook my silence as quiet rage, I'm sure, and you then told me that you just wouldn't tell me how you felt anymore. I was completely taken aback and had no words that came to mind that could tell you that. A couple of days later, I did manage to explain to you that I have worked really hard to mend the relationship with my father in the last 2 years and I took a whole lot of offense at some of the things you said. I also know now, that while some of the reason you were upset was because of a miscommunication with me, but it still hurts. Not so much the words, but because they came from you. I really felt that if you had any idea of how important my family was that you would understand that while yes, I have complained about my parents to you, I expected that it was in a confidence that you would understand that I am just upset and leave it at that.
At the lake, I told you what was bothering me, and I feel like you listened and had an explanation or an answer for everything I said, which made me feel like I was being irrational. I told you that I didn't feel like myself and was not sure about a lot of things and you told me that I wasn't as I used to be, and you just wanted the old Me back. You jumped down my throat again when I tried to relax and just be myself. You told me that you didn't think I was taking any of your feelings into consideration, and me joking around wasn't helping to convey that to you. I know this is going to sound bitchy, but I don't mean it that way, it's just that I don't know how I am expected to relax and be myself when you tell me that it's too soon to joke with you.
As for you being upset because I was kidding around about bossing you around, I don't know what made you think that it could ever happen, because it never has, because you won't let it. I'm not complaining about it either, but I am not, and have never been bossy with you, hence the reason that it seemed funny.
As for trying new things and doing something different. Yes, you did make an effort to make sure we did different things, and I appreciate that. When I say thank you, or that will be fun, I expect someone to understand that I appreciate what they are doing. To then have an argument that I am not grateful for you listening and actually doing something immediately to fix whatever complaint I had, I felt like you were just throwing it back in my face that I had a problem, you fixed it and I am the one with a problem because I don't appreciate it.
I don't know when you started thinking that I didn't appreciate you and everything that you did for me. I remember in the beginning of our relationship that your main complaint was that you did so much for your other, recent-girlfriends but they never appreciated it. I remember telling you that I can take care of myself; if you would like to do things for me, if it makes you feel good to help me out, then by all means, go ahead. But don't do something that I can do myself, or that I've done for you and expect a parade about it. It doesn't work like that with me, and I don't think that I've ever eluded that it might be that way. I just need you to understand that in order for me to be myself, I have to be able to make decisions about things of such importance to me without a reaction like I got from you.
Every time I have ever not wanted to participate in something, you immediately assume it's because I don't love you or don't care about you. The reason for my change of heart had nothing to do with you, but more to do with how I feel about myself. I know that we have completely different ideas on this subject because we've talked about it, rather, you have let me know how you feel about it.
I want you to know that you pushed me into needing some time away from you. It has only been a short time since we've started this conversation and then all of a sudden out of nowhere, you want answers to all of the questions you have, when I don't even have answers to the questions I have for myself.
I feel like I made a good decision that night in telling you that I needed time to think about what I want, because I don't want to keep hurting you or myself. I called you after a day to tell you that I wasn't going to your family function. I didn't call you to break up with you but again, felt like you were pushing for an answer, so I did what I thought was best and told you that I needed to figure myself out and I wasn't going to keep you waiting in the wings while I do that.
I really don't think that I could have handled it any better than I did. I have never, and never want to be referred to, or compared to one of your other recent-girlfriends about how you didn't know which way was up when the relationship was over. You need to understand that I did the best that I could with a tough situation, and given the chance again, maybe I would've written a letter instead to make you understand, but I really don't think that would have worked either.
If you would prefer this relationship to end because I no longer care about you, am interested in someone else, or already cheated on you, I'm sorry. I have too much pride and self-respect to do that to someone, and I don't think I can stop caring about you just like that. I have some things to figure out and I feel that it's best if I do that on my own, so that I don't rush myself into anything. I don't have hope that I will go back to the person that I was, as I do consider myself to be a better person now than I was years ago because I know a little more about the world and about myself.
I'm sorry that you don't see the change in me as a good thing, but I understand. As for this relationship, I don't expect, or would I ask you to wait around to see how I turn out in this. I know that with you, it's either all or none, and I cannot do all. I am sorry that I will be losing you from my life, as I know that you think it is inappropriate to stay friends with recent-girlfriends. I agree partially, I don't feel that I could be a good friend to you right now, but I'm sure that with some time, I could be. Please just remember that if you ever need a friend, I am here and will always be here for you.
-K.
No comments:
Post a Comment