Dear First Love,
I listened to the message you left me today. Four times. I heard the lilt in your voice when you said my name and my heart skipped a little beat. I didn't mean to miss your phone call. I didn't call you back either. I've recently been more aware of how my heart skips that beat at the sound of your voice. I'm nervous. I don't know how you feel about me. For that matter, I'm not quite sure how I feel about me. Or you. It's nearly a year that I haven't seen you. I don't know when it is that I will see you again, if ever.
I think that I want to see you, but not yet. I'm working on getting to know myself again. I've felt lost for a long time. When you left, I stayed. I stayed. Maybe because I thought that you would come back to me some day and everything would be perfect again. Maybe because I was afraid that if I left, you wouldn't know how to find me again. Or that I wouldn't know how to find you. Or me. I feel as though I've waited too long. Again. At the end of our relationship so many years ago, you were upset with me that I wasn't home one summer when you came back from university. But I had waited. I had been waiting. And I went out into the world and tried to get to know the world from my own perspective. I don't recall if you understood that then. I came back soon after that and waited some more. But you didn't come back for me. I felt lost and alone. Helpless & hopeless rolled into one. I waited some more.
I was passing through your town when you called out of the blue. Of course, you insisted that I stop in to see you. And we both know how that turned out.
And while I do not place blame on you for any of this, I cannot read your mind. I know not what you think or feel. I am scared of the answer if I were to ask if you really did want me again. Then I would know for sure. What if it is a yes? What would I, could I do with that?
I've decided to think about this. While I will not tell you that I love you still, I will tell you that having you in my life is important. Even if it is impractical and overly hopeful. You are important to me. I am not sure if I am in love with you. Maybe it's the idea of you. I must still be in love with the boy I fell in love with at 15. Do I even know the man that you are today? I won't tell you that I'm in love with you and want you in my life. I will say that I never moved on. I never closed the door on you.
Love,
K.
I listened to the message you left me today. Four times. I heard the lilt in your voice when you said my name and my heart skipped a little beat. I didn't mean to miss your phone call. I didn't call you back either. I've recently been more aware of how my heart skips that beat at the sound of your voice. I'm nervous. I don't know how you feel about me. For that matter, I'm not quite sure how I feel about me. Or you. It's nearly a year that I haven't seen you. I don't know when it is that I will see you again, if ever.
I think that I want to see you, but not yet. I'm working on getting to know myself again. I've felt lost for a long time. When you left, I stayed. I stayed. Maybe because I thought that you would come back to me some day and everything would be perfect again. Maybe because I was afraid that if I left, you wouldn't know how to find me again. Or that I wouldn't know how to find you. Or me. I feel as though I've waited too long. Again. At the end of our relationship so many years ago, you were upset with me that I wasn't home one summer when you came back from university. But I had waited. I had been waiting. And I went out into the world and tried to get to know the world from my own perspective. I don't recall if you understood that then. I came back soon after that and waited some more. But you didn't come back for me. I felt lost and alone. Helpless & hopeless rolled into one. I waited some more.
I was passing through your town when you called out of the blue. Of course, you insisted that I stop in to see you. And we both know how that turned out.
And while I do not place blame on you for any of this, I cannot read your mind. I know not what you think or feel. I am scared of the answer if I were to ask if you really did want me again. Then I would know for sure. What if it is a yes? What would I, could I do with that?
I've decided to think about this. While I will not tell you that I love you still, I will tell you that having you in my life is important. Even if it is impractical and overly hopeful. You are important to me. I am not sure if I am in love with you. Maybe it's the idea of you. I must still be in love with the boy I fell in love with at 15. Do I even know the man that you are today? I won't tell you that I'm in love with you and want you in my life. I will say that I never moved on. I never closed the door on you.
Love,
K.
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